Yesterday I went through a costly and painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.
Still, I got some fantastic wedding presents.
The following conversation took place at the dentists.
Dentist: You’re gonna feel a little pain in your lower jaw *dentist throws a punch* Patient: Ahh, why?? Dentist: That’s for not flossing you little sh*t!
Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.
Q. Why is life like toilet paper? A. Because you’re either on a roll or some a$$hole is crapping on you.
I had a job interview yesterday and I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
The interviewer asked “Are you nervous?” I replied, “No, I always give 110%.”
Asked a librarian the other day if she had any books about paranoia.
She whispered: “They’re right behind you.”