I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, “Is that a poo in your hand?”
The following conversation took place while on safari.
Wife: Wow those hippos are really fat and ugly, are they relatives of yours? Me: Yeah, they’re my in-laws
It’s my wife’s birthday today so I’ve decided to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.
Financially I‘m set for life, provided i die next wednesday.
Did you hear about the art class that was robbed today? The police still haven’t been able to catch the thief but they have 22 sketches of his face.
Just had the following conversation at hospital.
Nurse: What happened to your fingers? Me: You know those chefs who cut vegetables really fast? Nurse: Yes? Me: I can’t do that.