The following text messages were exchanged between a boyfriend and girlfriend.
GF: nose GF: I just typed “nose” with my nose! BF: penis
Just had the following conversation with a police man after speeding.
Police: Do you know why I pulled you over for speeding? Me: Is it because it would have been too windy to speak while we were driving?
My wife got me a mood ring the other day for me to wear so she can monitor my mood.
When I’m in a good moon the ring turns green, when I’m angry it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
My friend told me masterbating with a dead hand feels a lot better but after trying it I’m now in police custody and my local church has permanently banned me from funerals.
Just had the following conversation with my boss.
Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.” Boss: “Don’t give me that!” Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.”
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, “Is that a poo in your hand?”