Just been given a job after the following interview.
Interviewer: Do you have any experience operating heavy machinery? Me: Does your mum count? Interviewer: Ha ha, genius, you’re hired!
Really fed up with my new Thai bride!
She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!
Girl at the RyanAir check-in just told me “window or aisle”.
I replied “Window or you’ll what?”.
Me: Do you here what scientists are saying? Her: No what. Me: That there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy Uranus.
The UK government has recently referred to payday loan companies as “idiotic” for trying to target children and get them into debt. I agree, everyone knows the best way to get a child into debt is to offer them a student loan.
Got a really nasty injury today from a mouse trap I didn’t see. That’s the last time I ever do push-ups in the nude.