It’s my wife’s birthday today so I’ve decided to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.
Did you hear about the art class that was robbed today? The police still haven’t been able to catch the thief but they have 22 sketches of his face.
Just had the following conversation at hospital.
Nurse: What happened to your fingers? Me: You know those chefs who cut vegetables really fast? Nurse: Yes? Me: I can’t do that.
Get more value for money by sitting on top of the bus. Due to the circumference of the Earth you’ll travel an extra 0.0000000000013% further than the people downstairs.
Yo mama is so nasty that when I called her on the phone she gave me an ear infection.
Someone called me racist the other day. I can’t be racist, my wife has a black eye.