I parked my car outside parliament. “Sir, you can’t park here,” said a cop. “This is where our politicians work.” “Don’t worry, I’ve locked it.”
Just been diagnosed with diabetes. I’m beginning to have doubts about Dr Pepper’s medical qualifications.
It says “Please drink responsibly” on the label so I guess I should probably put my seat belt on.
Just had the following conversation with my wife
Wife: “Give it to me! I’m so f*cking wet! Give it to me now!” Me: You can scream all you want, you’re not having the umbrella.
My wife gave me a new nickname the other day, 007:
0 Romance 0 Hygiene 7 Meals per day
They say a dog is a man’s best friend. But even my worst enemy would never stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shit on my carpet.