I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, the word (I’ll ) requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”
Yo mama is so old when she went to school they didn’t study history.
My girlfriend’s dog died recently so I decided to get her an identical one. She was really angry, she said “what am I gonna do with 2 dead dogs?”
I don’t mind being bossed around as long as the person ordering me about doesn’t mind being told to fuck off.
Q. Why is President Clinton the greatest president of all time? A. Because he was always HARD at work.
I’m furious. Just found my wife’s profile on an on-line dating website. That lying bitch isn’t, “Fun to be around.”