Can’t believe it’s pancake day today.
It’s really crêped up on me.
Discovered yesterday I have liftophobia, fear of lifts. I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I don’t drink too much, I just like having an attractive wife.
Q. Why is a boss like a diaper? A. Because they’re always on your ass and they’re usually full of shit.
When shopping I always hold hands with my girlfriend. People think it’s for romantic reasons but it’s actually for economic reasons.
Conor McGregor walks into a bar and says, “I’ll take a couple of shots please.” The barman says, “You didn’t take them very well on Saturday”