Appear 10 years younger by telling everybody you are 10 years older than you actually are.
Q. How do you know God has a sense of humor? A. Because he designed mens bodies to become more stiff with age except in the place they need it.
Tried to explain to my 4 year old son that pooping your pants is nothing to be ashamed of… He’s totally not buying it and he’s been making fun of me for 1 hour straight.
Went to the zoo yesterday and saw a discarded baguette in the monkey enclosure.
It was bread in captivity.
Do you like discounts when you go shopping? Because if you do you should come to my house, clothing is 100% off.
Four words men hate during sex. “Is it in yet!”
Four words women hate during sex. “Hey honey I’m home!”