I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, “Is that a poo in your hand?”
Think I might be allergic to onions. Every time I peel them my eyes start watering.
Just been scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”
Total waste of money, turns out it’s all about golf.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with long nails?
A. Single
A dog can learn up to 250 words and count up to 5. Equivalent Human age = 3.
A cat doesn’t give a f*ck and is sick of your sh*t. Equivalent human age = 42.
Went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty smart, but some Jewish c*nt came up to me and said “The ’70s called… They want their shirt back!” so I said, “The ’40s called… your shower’s ready.”