I think my local mosque has a bouncy castle inside, every time I go past I always see a big pile of shoes in the doorway.
Just had the following conversation with my girlfriend.
Girlfriend: I’ve had enough, I’m leaving you because you’re too cocky. Me: That’s cool. Make sure you close the door on your way back in.
I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand….. It’s 7.
I said to my girlfriend, “Please get me a newspaper.” “Don’t be silly,” she replied, “you can borrow my iPad.”
That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Tinder is for rookies. I used Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It gives you all the recently divorced females in your area and you can filter by size.
Did you hear about the new mummy they’ve discovered in Egypt? It was covered in nuts and chocolate.
They think his name was Pharaoh Rocher.