Irony is when you get a text message from the wife saying “your an idiot”.
Someone really close to me died yesterday. Luckily the train wasn’t very busy so I just moved seats.
Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.
I think I might be the most unlucky person in the world. Last night my wife told me she wants to have sex on the back seat of her car, she was wondering if I could drive.
Me and my wife have an on-off relationship. Every time I get on she tells me to get off.
Q. Why is Santa’s sack so big?
A. Because he only cums once a year