So far this year I’ve had sex a number of times. Unfortunately that number is 0.
Q. What do farts and relationships have in common? A. The harder you have to push the shitier they become.
Went to the dentist today and he told me I had to stop touching myself. I said “What’s that got to do with my teeth?”. He said “Nothing but I just find it really distracting”.
Q. Why do birds always sing in the morning? A. Because they don’t have to go to f*cking work!!
To celebrate the new year last night I decided to organize a threesome…
Unfortunately I was the only person who showed up but I still had a great time.
My last girlfriend had to change her name to Sandy because she was so wet all the time.