Best Funny Dirty Jokes

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, “Is that a poo in your hand?”

Q. What’s worse that your mum walking in on you when you’re watching internet p*rn?

A. Changing the tab to Facebook and then realising your 14 year old sister’s “Beach Holiday” photos are on the monitor.

My friend told me masterbating with a dead hand feels a lot better but after trying it I’m now in police custody and my local church has permanently banned me from funerals.

Got a really nasty injury today from a mouse trap I didn’t see. That’s the last time I ever do push-ups in the nude.

Called a rape advice hotline the other day for some support but apparently it’s just for victims.