The Best Funny Wife Jokes

My wife used to think that I was a control freak but that changed once I started to make deductions from her allowance.

My wife only ever has sex with me when she wants something. Last night she wanted to time an egg.

Q. Why is a wife like a candle?

A. Because if you you’re not careful with them they can take away your house.

The following conversation took place between a wife and husband on a Saturday night.

Husband: “Get your coat I’m going down the pub.”
Wife: “It’s about time you took me out for a drink somewhere.”
Husband: “F*ck off, you’re staying here. I was just gonna turn off the central heating to save money.”