Until recently I used to think all my work colleagues were hatching some sort of evil plan against me but then I discovered they’re actually using alcohol hand gel.
If you break up with your girlfriend and she wants to move out make sure you order her a taxi for 8pm on Thursday. That way with everyone clapping it’ll look like the whole street is glad to see the back of her.
If you get a bank loan you pay for it for 30 years.
If you rob a bank you get out after 10 years.
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My wife gave me a new nickname the other day, 007:
7 Meals per day
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a politician?
A politician is more expensive, talks more and f*cks you for longer.
Think I might have something wrong with one of my testicles, one of them seems smaller than the other two.