Just found an app that tells you if your friend is retarded.
It’s called Facebook.
People who say they’ve lost their voice are lying.
Just been pulled over by police and tasered after the following conversation…
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than EV(**Tasering starts**)AHHHH!
Just had the following argument with the wife while out shopping:
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
Me: Do you promise not to get mad whatever I say?
Wife: Yes, sure.
Me: I f*cked your sister.
There are four stages in life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
My dad never loved me as a child.
I can’t blame him really.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.