When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call me handsome.
My dad never loved me as a child.
I can’t blame him really.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Following conversation took place while wife was watching TV
Husband: Why you watching that cookery show, you’re sh*t at cooking?
Wife: Why do you watch porn, you’re sh*t at sex?
Just found an app that tells you if your friend is retarded.
It’s called Facebook.
Just been pulled over by police and tasered after the following conversation…
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than EV(**Tasering starts**)AHHHH!
There are four stages in life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.