There are four stages in life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
What is white and covers the streets first thing in the morning? Employed people.
Just had the following conversation with my doctor after getting a health check.
Doctor: Don’t eat anything fatty
Me: What? You mean like bacon or burgers?
Doctor: No fatty!! Don’t eat anything.
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
Just had the following argument with the wife while out shopping:
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
Me: Do you promise not to get mad whatever I say?
Wife: Yes, sure.
Me: I f*cked your sister.
They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.
I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.