My favourite text message to send to the wife when I’m out drinking at the bar.
“I’ll be home in 5 minutes… If not… read this again!!”
My dad never loved me as a child.
I can’t blame him really.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Had a beard growing competition over the weekend with one of my Indian friends from work.
Just had the following conversation with my doctor after getting a health check.
Doctor: Don’t eat anything fatty
Me: What? You mean like bacon or burgers?
Doctor: No fatty!! Don’t eat anything.
The following conversation happened after calling the police.
Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!
My wife says for Christmas she wants something that goes from 0-100 in a few of seconds so I got her a weighing scale.