The following conversation happened after calling the police.
Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!
My favourite text message to send to the wife when I’m out drinking at the bar.
“I’ll be home in 5 minutes… If not… read this again!!”
Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for. It was only when the shit started running down my leg that I remembered
Yo mama is so ugly she celebrates Halloween everyday.
Just had the following conversation with my doctor after getting a health check.
Doctor: Don’t eat anything fatty
Me: What? You mean like bacon or burgers?
Doctor: No fatty!! Don’t eat anything.
There are four stages in life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.