Just been fired from my new job at the bank.
An old lady asked me to check her balance so I jumped on her back.
Just had the following argument with the wife while out shopping:
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
Me: Do you promise not to get mad whatever I say?
Wife: Yes, sure.
Me: I f*cked your sister.
People who say they’ve lost their voice are lying.
My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.
So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.
Yo mama is so ugly she celebrates Halloween everyday.
There are four stages in life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.