My mum walked in on me masterbating the other day. I told her “mum, stop masterbating!!”
My girlfriend doesn’t like me using the ‘c’ word which is fair enough, I should probably learn to use her mothers real name.
In the 1990s if you photographed your breakfast, developed the photo and then showed it to all your friends people would think you were a mental c*nt!
My friend only jerks off in the shower. So every time it rains be gets a boner
Don’t waste money on an electric toothbrush. Simply sellotape a manual toothbrush to your iPhone and set it to vibrate, then get your mum to call you every time you need to brush your teeth.
Got fined today for parking in a disabled parking spot. Apparently erectile dysfunction doesn’t count as a disability.